If there were ever a well-researched and well-documented case of a child being ready for a single nap, it’s Trixie. I refer you to this post for more information on Trixie’s nap readiness.

At any rate, it seems clear that you do indeed disagree with your daughter and son-in-law about their decision to put your grandchildren in daycare. As a bit of unsolicited parenting advice back to you – I would recommend you try to let this one go. It’s clear you’ve thought a lot about it and you have your grandchildren’s best interests at heart. But your daughter has probably heard your side by now, and either she disagrees or feels her other options aren’t as good. Yes, you have more parenting experience than her. But she’s the parent now and as your adult child, she would probably appreciate your support – even as she understands your disagreement.

I am a Nana and take care of my grandchildren quite a bit to give my daughter and son-in-law time to be a couple. However, one of the things we disagree on is how early they have put their children in daycare. I also disagree with an imposed one nap a day for kids so early. They mistakenly two naps will keep the child up. So they rather have one long nap. What they do not understand is that we do not make up sleep. If you don’t sleep when you are sleepy, you can sleep for four hours later and make up for that lost sleep. Your body clock understands it did not get sleep when it needed it and there is a lack of energy for a period of time. My daugher has her 17 month old son in daycare because she wants him socialized with other children. Yet as i said, he does not really play in a meaningful way with others. They are simply an adjunct to whatever toys he is interested in. Up until the age of two, most, though not all, children generally do not interact in a meaningful way with the other children. They tend to play side by side rather than WITH one another. In hind sight (as a grandparent rather than a parent), I realize that while as parents making decisions for our children, we should be cognizant that we often asked our children to behave within a circumstance that is foreign and frightening to them. In February and perhaps even today, children, Trixie’s age do not understand the concept of time (short or long) so, when you leave them at daycare, they have no idea if you will come back to get them. When you say Mommy or Daddy will be back to get you. Duh? And, no matter that you show up today to pick them up. Each day for a long time they suffer the same anxieties about being left alone. I think parents mistakenly believe that because at some point in the morning the child stops crying and begins to play, that is proof that the child is okay about this whole arrangement. Do we ever stop to think -they have no power whatsoever to do anything about it. They must adjust, but the adjustment is involuntary and can cause real anxiety and sadness. That is why it is critical to pick them up at the same time everyday. When you are late, the fear comes back. I also think it is important to understand that when they are screaming about you leaving them in the mornings, that you treat those feelings as real and valid. It is hard for parents to hear those cries and sometimes the reaction is to get angry rather than to feel sad. But often the remedy is it is to get out of there as quickly as possible. Many parents are so busy telling the children that the place is ok and the teacher is nice, that they forget to do the one thing that is very important. YOU SHOULD ACKNOWLEDGE THE CHILD’S ANXIETY TO THEM EVEN AS YOU ARE ASSURING THEM THAT YOU WILL BE BACK TO GET THEM. IF YOU CONSTANTLY ASSURE A CHILD THEY HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR WHEN ALL THEY FEEL IS FEAR, HOW DO THEY RECONCILE THEIR FEELINGS WHEN YOU DENY THAT THEY SHOULD HAVE THOSE FEELINGS. IT’S ALWAYS BETTER TO SAY I KNOW YOU FEEL SCARED, AND THAT’S OKAY BUT I AM COMING BACK TO GET JUST THE WAY I DO WHEN I LEAVE YOU AT GRANDMA’S. YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEAR, BUT YOU ALSO GIVE THEM A PIECE OF INFORMATION THAT THEY CAN RELATE TO. BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALWAYS PICKED THEM UP FROM GRANDMAS AND BROUGHT THEM HOME. THEY CAN FEEL COMFORTED WITH THAT INFORMATION. HOWEVER AT THE AGE WHEN THEY CANNOT SPEAK MUCH LESS COMPREHEND, YOU HAVE A MUCH DIFFERENT DILEMMA. THIS IS TOUGHER ON THE CHILD AND A SENSITIVE PARENT. I sometimes get the feeling that parents think well, all kids cry, but they get over it. I am not so sure children do get over these partings as quickly as a parent would like to believe. What they do is make an adjustment as all human beings do in difficult circumstances. But exactly where does a 15 month old store the fear, sadness and anger? Some parents refuse to believe that at such a young age, children feel complex emotions. However studies show that in fact those parents are very wrong if they believe that way. I understand that some parents have no alternative but to put their children in daycare. What is most important is not to dismiss any of behavior displayed by the children to being placed in daycare as merely behavior without an internal emotional consequence. Many parents do not think their child can be harmed in a emotional way, because look at all the kids in day care and they seem okay. It is important to always see your child as an individual, even though you are reading books that tell you how a 15 month old or a three year old should behave and your children seem to be on point. My rule of thumb is when you are deciding things for your child, particularly a child under two years of age. Ask yourself how you would feel in a comparable circumstance. What if your boss called one day and told you to go over to a new company and work there until he tells you to return to your old company. You know no one and you are not sure how you are going to fit in. Even as an adult, we find some things daunting, well so does your child. So be gentle when they cry when you leave them at daycare. Understand tantrums in the morning may simply be their only way of telling you how they feel, because they know you are going to leave them in a foreign place. They know nothing of the time and research you’ve done to find a good safe place for them. They know nothing about your work obligations. And mostly for a long time, they are not sure that you will come back to get them. I remember the first time my son-in-law had to pick up my granddaughter, he picked her up quite late, because he had no idea how she watched the time all day and how she was afraid no one would come and get her. So when children who normally were there when she left, had already been picked up by their parents and nobody had yet come for her. She was in a panic. Her mom had been told early on that children depend on your punctuality to help them feel safe.Often but not always, daddies are the last to really understand the necessity to shape their lives to better accommodate their children’s needs. Once you decide to put your child in daycare, its a contract and you have duties to fulfill too, particularly for the emotional well being of your child. Many parents do not understand the depth of feeling many children experience. Many parents dismiss a child’s tears as the child being too sensitive or acting out. Anything- rather than understand that children can be profoundly affected by being left with strangers. No matter how great the daycare, never forget the people doing this are being paid to do it. Which means it is a job. It is never a real substitute for the comfort of home or a loving parent. The Center for Disease Control put out a study on the impact of childcare/daycare on children and while not totally conclusive, they did find that 17% of the children in daycare displayed really agressive behavior traits at the end of their daycare stay and upon entering kindergarten. It is possible that the agressive behavior stems from parents dismissing or ignoring the real anxiety and sadness many children feel on being placed in daycare. If parents deny a child’s fear, that can turn into anger and aggressiveness. Parents who must work and daycare is their only remedy for their children should not feel guilty about having to place their children in childcare. But they also must take the extra responsibility to work diligently to help their children adjust to this new phase in their lives. It is sometimes easier and less guilt making to dismiss a child’s tears and extreme behavior as merely tantrums. Never forget that tantrums can also be evidence of a child’s anxiety, sadness and anger at having absolutely no say about their lives. As I said earlier, each time you make a decision for your child, it doesn’t hurt if you ask yourself, what would I feel, if a spouse, employer or other authority made a comparable decision for me. Would I be angry and frustrated? If the answer is yes, then you may be in touch with how your child is feeling—and more sympathetic to their dilemma.

Also while being vigilant about the quality of care your child receives in any day/childcare facility. Always remember how demanding childen are as they grow. If you have chosen to hire someone to care for that child and you have done your due diligence in selecting a child care center, honor those people who care for your children. If your child is someone for whom you would give your own life. Clearly your consideration, time and empathy towards their emotional well being ought be high on that list too.

Drop-ins are good, too. Pick a day where you can pretend to leave (from her perspective) and then watch how she does in those first 90 minutes.

James E. Robinson, III: You’re lucky that you get the ‘good’ nap schedule!

schaff: The hand that records the sleep data…

I thought it was my idea to open up a daycare with webcams. Darn! They’re already doing it huh….oh well.