We’ve all heard about couples who are having problems and then decide to have a baby in order to save the marriage.* I don’t personally know anyone who has done this, so I don’t know how prevalent it really is, or whether it’s just an overused “Law and Order” plot device, but boy, what a phenomenally bad idea.
Having a baby to save a marriage? That’s insane. Nothing has generated more stress or worn us down more in our five years of marriage than the constant game of trying to adapt to Trixie. Hear me out: I’m not saying that we have tons of fights. I’m saying that the baseline conditions make it easy for tons of fights to erupt if you aren’t careful and loving and respectful of each other. (And even that’s no guarantee.) By extension, I think that if we weren’t doing well as a couple and then decided to have a baby, we would fight 10x as much in the new, now-with-higher-stress, post-baby environment. (I’ll admit there’s also a lot of love to balance out the stress, but since that’s the conventional wisdom, I’m not going to address it here.)
There’s no real reason that I’m writing about this right now.* Nothing is going wrong or anything like that.* It’s just that the idea about saving the marriage popped in my head recently, and the more I thought about it, the funnier it seemed. I almost think that you could do the opposite and have a baby to save a divorce. I mean, if you’re thinking about getting a divorce, but you’re on the fence and can’t commit — have a baby. That will seal the deal.
*BTW, this isn’t about Jenn and me. We feel like we’re a pretty communicative, understanding couple. But that doesn’t mean that we aren’t subjected to the stresses inherent in taking care of a baby, or that I don’t regularly threaten to sneak out of the house and drive to Mexico.
Mexico? That’s a long drive from NC
My husband and I don’t have kids and we haven’t decided whether or not to (we’re young and have only been together 5 years). Unfortunately I know people who have “oopsed” their husbands or otherwise gotten pregnant to “trap” the guy. You’re right… it never works out.
Thanks for the honesty. I know it has to be stressful.
Do they have Cheerios & Nila Wafers in Mexico? Sure, they’ve got Margaritas in Tijuana… but a man’s gotta eat, you know?
It’s an excellent point. I feel very bad for couples who get married with a baby on the way. Now that we have a child, I cherish all the years we had time for a leisurely dinner and cuddle on the couch. We still do these things but less often and they feel much less carefree; after our guy’s asleep we are often just cleaning and recovering. I guess early marriage is kind of like being young, you take it for granted until one day you look back and it hits you “Wow, that was so nice, so much less stressful” I wouldn’t change having G for the world but as my husband once remarked “No one ever regrets having a kid but you also never hear them say, ‘Gosh, we should have done this sooner!’”
It is an excellent point…and one that is often hidden away. My husband and I have been married 9 years, and the past year with Maddie has been the hardest BY FAR. Luckily, we communicate and try to keep the couple part going as well as the family part, but it is so hard. I will say, however, that IMO it’s getting easier as the months go by. I guess we’re adapting to the amazing stress, huh?
I don’t know about the Cheerios and Nilla Wafers in Mexico, but they have cheese quesadillas and rice…2 of our little one’s favorite foods! And the margarita is sounding pretty good about now.
Ben, you hit the nail on the head with this one. The stress is definitely amazing, and something I wouldn’t have believed before Danny arrived had anyone tried to explain it to me. One of my friends says that explaining what having a child feels like is like trying to explain what sex feels like…you just have to do it to understand.
I just discovered your blog. Great stuff. Frightening for someone who’s trying to get pregnant, but great.
One of the reasons that my husband and I are only trying to start a family now after four years of marriage was that we believed that a couple needs a few years alone together for things to work out. Our own families are a good example of this. My parents were married 4.5 years before I came alone and they’re still going strong at 38 years of marriage. His parents on the other hand had him right away and are divorced and not on speaking terms. I could cite other examples on both sides, but I think you get the point.
You said it! My husband and I rarely fought until Jack came along. Not that we fight all the time now, but from almost no fighting to more often fighting, well, there’s definitely been a change. My personal theory? Neither one of us have a clue and so we look to the other one to know what to do. Either that or the lack of sleep. Coincidentially, since Jack’s sleeping through the night, the fights have stopped. So, having a baby to save the marriage has got to be the worst plan out there unless you just want a warm up period to perfect your fighting before hitting divorce court.
Here’s the real question- if you run to Mexico- do you take Trix with you? My mother always said that when the times got tough, she’d think of running away out West, then she would realize she couldn’t leave me, and the thought of dragging a baby on a long trip to end up being a single parent was enough to scare anyone into making up
Good point. My husband and I are trying to have a child. I’m having problems and am having to go to the doctor. I believe that this part has brought us closer together and the fact that it is taking some time and effort to conceive..that will hopefully make us stronger as a family when we do have a child!
Love your website. I check it everyday.
Thanks for being truthful with us and sharing the reality of being a new parent. We’re now trying to get pregnant with our first. I’ve often thought about how the baby is going to change our life and our relationship. We, too, waited a couple of years (despite our age) after we got married. And as much as I REALLY want a baby, after reading this post, I’m so glad we waited! We’re now at a place in our lives and our relationship where we’re BOTH ready and looking forward to having a baby.
Thanks for being truthful with us and sharing the reality of being a new parent. We’re now trying to get pregnant with our first. I’ve often thought about how the baby is going to change our life and our relationship. We, too, waited a couple of years (despite our age) after we got married. And as much as I REALLY want a baby, after reading this post, I’m so glad we waited! We’re now at a place in our lives and our relationship where we’re BOTH ready and looking forward to having a baby.
I’ve read/heard about people having a baby to help the marriage, and never really thought anything of it until I had a baby of my own. Are they crazy?? Babies aren’t all fun and sunshine, that’s for sure. They have their moments that wipe away all the preceding bad stuff, but they’re a lot of work, which everyone who has one knows. That’s why it took us 10 years of marriage to decide to have one, and why we’re only having the one. We don’t fight any more than normal (which was rare anyways) – now we’re just too dang tired!
BTW I’ve been watching your site religiously for the past 3 months (my DD is 4 months old). I like to know what to expect in the coming months – having never been around babies, I need all the help I can get!
I’m with you, brutha. We had a baby in November and it’s seriously stressful. If we’d had a shitty relationship beforehand, we’d have been doomed.
Then again, if one of us left the other, it’d be even more stressful to try to raise a parent as a single parent. I don’t know how single parents do it.
our daughter is a single parent…and i might add a wonderful parent. she had done it all alone, with our help at times, of course. she has worked full time and has handled the role of parenting beautifully. i admire her greatly. i can honestly say she is a model parent. our grandaughter, hannah, is a wonderfully, well adjusted 4 year old.
This one has really has me thinking. Baby definitely makes marriage harder. But it’s usually moms complaining about it (not that you were complaining). The first couple of months after Sophie was born I found myself having an irrational and deep hatred of my spouse. It was freaking me out and then, when I was at a “mommy’s group” of a bunch of Park Slope yuppies I didn’t know at all, I had a Tourettes-like outburst, demanding to know: “Does everyone here hate their husband, ever since the baby came?” Everyone nodded politely and resumed coversation. I felt much better. As time wore on, the irrational hatred waned. The weird thing about the dynamic is that it’s a triangle b/c both parents love baby so much, more than anyone in the world, more than each other, so even when you’re not liking spouse, baby brings it back to love. Or trap, if you prefer. Of this love triangle, I used to believe that one of the things that keeps unhappy parents together is that w/o the other parent, there’d be no one to share all of the cute, inimitable things baby does – that no one else would want to wallow in how cute everything baby does is. Alas, TTU has proved me wrong – other people are perfectly willing to induldge. So, I guesss what I’m really saying is that a great blog could replace a spouse. Is that what I’m saying? I don’t think so, but it was a fun statemetn to make.
Hannah
Have you considered whether or not Trixie decided to have parents in order to “seal” her relationship with her Significant Stuffed Animal Others?
Love your blog!
Although I would never recommend to someone to purposely have a baby to try to make a relationship work, my husband and I actually had this work for us. We had ups and downs after the birth of our first (mostly downs–for years) but things were seeming better. We got onto the project of baby #2 and things were seriously difficult. I wasn’t sure how we were going to make it. The pregnancy, labor, birth, and postpartum were mainly void of happiness and love feelings. However, our love for our two children and the deepened sense of responsibility to keep our family together and make things work did indeed help us to grow up and improve things. It was the reality check and kick in the pants that we needed.
It has been over 8 years since baby #2. We now have 6 kids, have been married for 13 years, and we are very happy. I am sure we are going to be together for the long haul. Frankly, if we hadn’t had the second child, I think it would have been much easier for us to split, and even easier without a child at all.
So, again, don’t you people with troubles marriages go having babies in an ill attempt to fix things, but our children can and do motivate us to reach higher and deeper than we normally would.
This is for Elizabeth,
I to had to go medical to get pregnant. IVF with ISCI to be exact. The mood swings and rages were a perfect warm-up for the absolute insanity of having twins at 40. I love them dearly, they are now 3. They make me laugh every day. If you want to chat about the fun of medical offline, you can email me. But it was a hormone preview of mommy coping/not-coping with infancy
All these comments really got me thinking: Mexico isn’t a credible threat. It’s too far away. I’m better off threatening to just drive to South of the Border.
Hehehe… if you go far enough into SC, you will feel like you are in another country.
Okay, as a SC native and current resident, I have to object. I hate that the insanity that is “South of the Border” is so well known! While attending a conference in CA, I even met a research group from the Netherlands had fallen victim to the advertising and stopped there! I shudder to think that South of the Border is the only memory these people had of the whole state of SC!
Please NEVER go to South of the Border! Stay on I-95 and enjoy the tremendous amount of stupid advertising they do, but never stop.
Michelle
p.s. I lived in the Raleigh area and attended graduate school at UNC-CH for a year — NC isn’t that much different than SC!
True enough. I live in Raleigh (a transplant from Charlotte) and I have to say I have been lost and scared in both states. Deliverance anyone?
Probably also important to point out that I doubt Jenn would consider a run to South of the Border a credible threat
In reference to your entry, communicative, and understanding relationship taken into account, I wonder; do you think, in your experience, that the stress of having Trixie outweighs the loving feeling? I mean, you know how they always say that you discover an abundance of love you never knew you had when you have a child (I don’t have one so I’m totally clueless as to he truth except from what I hear from experiences like yours) Have you experienced this? I mean it’s pretty clear what you’ve experienced in terms of stress, sleep, deprivation, and various forms of torturous adjustment since Trixie arrived but have there been any unsual findings in levels of affection and personal fullfillment also?
In the long run, yes, the good outweighs the bad. I think this has a lot to do with the way your mind tries to suppress negative experiences and reinforce the positive ones. I don’t really remember all the sleep deprivation. I can look at the records, but they are more of a curiosity than a visceral memory. In that sense, love wins. Trixie reinforces it on a daily basis as she grows and does new stuff, and I gradually forget about all the times she throw up on the bed.